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Sayre’s Law
(You’ve never heard of it, but you know all about it)
By Chana Mark L.C.S.W.
I know of a large family with two distinct groupings, all living in the same city. The family emigrated from Europe before World War II and now boasts six generations of successful and upstanding people. They are very family oriented. However, generations later one family group doesn’t even think of inviting the other group to a family event or celebration. Everyone knows about the family rift that occurred 85 years ago, but no one knows or remembers what it was about. What they do have in common is that It has become encrusted in family lore on both sides that, “We have nothing to do with them.”
Here’s how it started. You’ve heard it before.
- 85 years ago, Flora brought home a new and beautiful dress to wear to cousin Abe’s wedding. She could not wait for the wedding so that she could show off her new dress together with the jewelry that her husband had just bought her. When she got to the wedding she was stunned and outraged to see that her sister-in-law Minnie was wearing the same dress! And getting all the compliments! From that day on she stopped talking to Minnie.
Or:
- 85 years ago, the family, good, and pious people, fled Poland and settled in a growing Jewish community. Max, the eldest son married very well. The second child Sophie married Beno, from a Hungarian family, against her parents’ wishes. Max, the first born son and the keeper of the family’s “honor” was particularly upset. But for the sake of “peace” Sophie’s family swallowed their misgivings – whole and undigested. A few years later Max and Charles were sitting together at a family wedding, and Charles said something to Max that “insulted” him. When Max confronted Charles, Charles responded – shall we say – crisply.
The rest, alas, is history.
Regarding long standing disputes, Wallace Stanley Sayre, a political scientist at Columbia University once observed, “The intensity of the feeling is inversely proportional to the values at stake.”
Regarding long standing disputes, Wallace Stanley Sayre, a political scientist at Columbia University once observed, “The intensity of the feeling is inversely proportional to the values at stake.” This maxim is now known as Sayre’s Law. Most heated and prolonged arguments fall into this category. The issue itself is not important, or if it is, the wrongs can easily be made right with a bit of maturity and with an eye to future consequences if the issue is not resolved.
We have brought two illustrations. In the first, someone felt hurt by something another person did, but there is no justification for it at all. Minnie wore a dress. Flora’s negative reaction to it is clearly her own problem. Minnie undoubtedly felt injured by Flora’s reaction, and felt virtuously justified in ignoring her, secure in the knowledge that Flora is irrational and immature. In the second instance, Max was spoiling for a fight and Charles gave him one. Charles, of course, felt victimized by his in-laws’ attitude towards him and his family and felt justified pushing back. In both cases, neither side budged, and six generations later there is a rift that no one understands – or does anything about.
When we find ourselves at the receiving end of this kind of behavior is it possible to reach out? Yes it is, once we have let our anger cool. And we need to be guided by two considerations:
- Take the initiative and hold onto your dignity. This is not a simple task. If the other person is inclined to lash out it will take a lot of self-discipline not to respond in kind. Which brings us to:
- A soft spoken response turns away anger. Why is this so? When people behave badly they know deep down that they have erred, but they feel too ashamed and threatened to admit it. When we respond softly and kindly they feel safe enough to allow themselves to be mollified. They may not admit that they were wrong, but we do not need them to do that. Our goal is to heal a rift, not make the other grovel.
None of this is easy, which is why rifts are so common and seem so intractable. This is why Hillel the Wise taught: Be on one of the students of Aaron the high priest. Love peace and pursue it. As Rabbi Yona teaches, shalom between people is not easy to come by. It must be pursued.
Putting aside our force of habit and our pride can be real challenges. Let us all try among us to put Sayre’s Law to rest.
