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Inner Boundaries
In order to have good outer boundaries, we need to have good inner boundaries
By Chana Mark L.C.S.W.
When we see a person who has good boundaries between himself and other people, we are noticing several things without consciously realizing it.
- He knows what his role is in all of his relationships
- He understands what belongs to him and what belongs to the other, and he has no trouble making the distinction
- He is very careful not to help or advise, unless the other person signals that he wants his help or advice
- In his dealings with others he knows when he doesn’t know. He does not overreach.
In order to have good outer boundaries, we need to have good inner boundaries in all of the above areas. These boundaries can only be developed through thought and reflection. Let us go through each of these four aspects by example.
- What Is My Role Here?
Example 1. If you are the parent and she is the child, what is your task as a parent? What is it that you are trying to accomplish, as a parent to a child? Many people never ask themselves these questions because it seems most natural to parent your children the way your parents parented you. This may be enough. Sometimes it isn’t.
Example 2 A good friend of yours is in debt and asks you for a loan. You do have the money. Should you give him the money because he asked for it? Is this part of your role as his friend? This requires a lot of consideration. If you decide to say no to his request, how do you say it, as a friend?
Example 3 Your child comes home from school saying that his teacher is picking on him. He tells you what has been happening and perhaps there is truth to it. Now, when a child is in distress, many people immediately react in a way that is intended to protect the child from harm. But you know that if you act on impulse and make an outraged, phone call it will not be a good thing. In addition, you will have dropped your role as the adult parent and also, dropped the other person’s role as your child’s teacher from your mind. He or she is now “The Enemy”.
So what is your role here? Your role is that of an adult with responsibility for your child’s education and welfare. The teacher’s role is to provide your child with an education, and therefore, the first rule here is to respect the teacher for giving time and effort to educate your child. Your child has a role here too. His role is to learn. It is one of your (many!) responsibilities as a parent to see that that happens. You are an adult, the teacher is an adult and your child is a child. The adults now need to have an adult conversation.
“He Who Says, ‘What is Mine is Yours and What is Yours is Mine is a Vulgarian.’” (Ethics of the Fathers, Chapter 5)
By “vulgarian” we mean, someone who is undeveloped. A person who has trouble distinguishing what belongs to him and what belongs to another has further to go in his personal development.
One of the most common examples in everyday life where there is confusion about what belongs to one person and what belongs to another is when two people disagree, and each one feels strongly that he is right. This happens because each person perceives the same situation with distinct and different observations, priorities and life experience.
As an example, let’s say that you and I disagree about something very important. You may feel that I am wrong, even misguided. You may feel compelled (and it is a compulsion) to tell me that I am wrong, or to try to “change” me. But you can’t change me. Because changing another is impossible.
Why is it impossible?
The illusion that we can change someone else has as its basis in the primitive notion that my mind is an extension of your mind. If you think I’m wrong, then obviously I am wrong because you think so, and I should simply listen to reason and not think this way. If I don’t agree with you, it is very frustrating to you, because of course I should think what you think. But this is not so. You must accept that my mind and your mind are two completely different entities because my insides are different from yours. I am entitled to my perceptions, just as you are entitled to yours. My experiences, my perceptions and what I consider important are all different, separate, and independent of your experience and your perceptions.
If you have trouble comprehending what is written here or cannot follow through on it, then this is something to work on. Which brings us to:
- If I Want Your Advice I’ll Ask For It
Once we have developed to the point that we can separate and allow others their differences, we can more readily bear the pain of watching the people around us make mistakes. We make mistakes too. It is how we all learn and grow. Sometimes it seems to us that someone made a mistake. Then one thing led to another and the “mistake” turned out to be a wonderful opportunity! And lastly,
- A great sage once said: “Our Default Position Is That Of Blindness Until G-d Sends Enlightenment”
It is very difficult to hold the stance “I don’t know.” The feeling of “I don’t know” is one of uncertainty and lack of clarity. These are uncomfortable feelings. It is so much more comfortable to feel that we can be certain, that we do know. And sometimes in fact, we do. But if it becomes clear that we do not know, we must receive this as the truth. Being proven wrong is very humbling. Now we must be prepared to search out what we need to know and to consult with others who know better than we do.
None of this is easy. All of it is necessary in the ongoing development of good boundaries.